I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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