I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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