I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
