Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling