oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am