Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(480): View more from Arizona

There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone

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(480): There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone http://tfl.nu/wpdv

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream. http://tfl.nu/v6je

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(803): View more from South Carolina

When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.

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(803): When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/3yj1

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(517): View more from Michigan

just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.

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(517): just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out. http://tfl.nu/s711

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(315): my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say. http://tfl.nu/ygp4

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(845): so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date (845): i guess it runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/gfn4

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(708): Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door. http://tfl.nu/qh5i

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(848): View more from New Jersey

She said she wanted to have closure sex.

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(848): She said she wanted to have closure sex. http://tfl.nu/0dyj

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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(510): Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow. http://tfl.nu/c544

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(210): Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT. http://tfl.nu/29iu

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(440): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog

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(440): I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog http://tfl.nu/oyfd

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.

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(401): I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you. http://tfl.nu/woyu

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(301): View more from Maryland

I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass

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(301): I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass http://tfl.nu/ww71

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(909): View more from California

omg i wish you could see the front of my car.

(909): View more from California

There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.

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(909): omg i wish you could see the front of my car. (909): There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood. http://tfl.nu/64tw

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(239): View more from Florida

I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.

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(239): I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night. http://tfl.nu/o908

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