I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?