god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
