I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
