i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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