Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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