Don't make out with my wife yet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
