I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
