just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
