I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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