So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
