So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.