I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.