dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"