So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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