would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I met the friendliest cop last night
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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