Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
