I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
