so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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