the condom got lost in my hair
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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