I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
third nipple confirmed
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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