if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
