So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
