dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
