she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My vagina is officially offended.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
