About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
