Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
