first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
