how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
