My nipple is on Facebook.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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