I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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