just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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