haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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