I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
