Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You dont lie about slip and slides
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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