Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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