Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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