wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
