I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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