Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
