I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.