I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
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my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.