I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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