She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump