My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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