his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
be right there i have to get my cape
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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