Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
