i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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