the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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