Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
