Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
