TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
